CHILDREN BY CHOICE ASSOCIATION INCORPORATED

An issue of control

Very often the decision about whether to continue a pregnancy or not can become an issue of control in a relationship. This occurs particularly between daughters and their parent/s and women and their partners or ex-partners. It can also occur between friends or between women and the professionals they consult in making their decision, such as their doctor, counsellor or teacher.

In these circumstances, the decision about the pregnancy becomes a way for someone to exercise control over another. For example, an ex-partner may try to force a woman to continue a pregnancy as a way of keeping her attached to him and the relationship. Or a young woman who feels her parents are trying to force her into having an abortion may want to continue the pregnancy to prove to them that they cannot control her life. A teacher may refuse to keep the confidence of a young woman who is considering an abortion, thereby taking control of the decision away from the young woman.

When a pregnancy decision becomes an issue of control, it is extremely destructive and does not lead to good decision-making. Be careful not to take the decision away from the woman by acting as an authority figure. Do not use this time to criticise her, blame her or punish her. Try not to let the pregnancy decision become a battleground, with one party winning and another losing with whichever pregnancy outcome is chosen. Offer support for her when she is deciding, and maintain this support for her once she has made her decision. Even if you do not agree with her decision, you can demonstrate your respect for her as a person by giving her support to follow through with her decision.