CHILDREN BY CHOICE ASSOCIATION INCORPORATED

Making a decision...
A Woman Centred Approach to looking at Pregnancy Options

This approach focuses on you, the woman, by looking first at you and your needs, thoughts, feelings and beliefs in relation to the options available to you with an unplanned pregnancy.  The reason that you need to focus on yourself first of all is that you are the most important person in this process of decision-making for an unplanned pregnancy.  This is not to say that others are not important, but that it is vital that you don’t forget yourself and your own needs in making this decision.  (You can download this page as a worksheet.)

How do I feel about this pregnancy?

Sometimes the first place to start is with how you feel about this pregnancy. Often an unplanned pregnancy raises a lot of different and sometimes confusing feelings and thoughts. These feelings are confusing as they often conflict with each other. For example, you may feel anxious since you cannot possibly consider having a baby (or another baby) until you are financially able to support the child, scared because you don’t know how to parent or concerned since your current relationship is not very stable. While at the same time you may also be overjoyed because this is what you always wanted and be excited since this may be a new opportunity for you. Despite the fact that these feelings conflict with each other they are all valid and need to be considered.

One way that may help you to address these different feelings is to write them down. Take some time right now to write down all the different feelings you are currently experiencing:

I am feeling ____________________________________________________________________

How do my values, beliefs, previous experiences or expectations around each of these pregnancy options - abortion, adoption and parenting - affect how I feel?

Your values, beliefs, previous experiences or expectations about the three options available to you can also affect how you feel. The following are comments women often make in relation to the three options. As you read them you may like tick or just note which of them you agree with or don’t agree with. You may also like to add to these lists as well. Once you have listed the values and beliefs you have about the three options, as well as any previous experiences or expectations, you may also need to consider if you need more information to help you with your decision.  Exploring values raises many questions for some people.

What are my goals, plans or dreams?

When making the decision as to which choice is best for you, something else to consider would be where the pregnancy fits with your goals, plans or dreams.  The following questions may help you to look first of all at your goals, plans and dreams, but also where the pregnancy fits within these.

• What do I want out of life for myself?
• What do I think is important?
• In the next five or ten years I hope to have achieved …………
• How would having a child now help/hinder achieving these?
• How would adopting the child out help/hinder achieving these?
• How would having an abortion help/hinder achieving these?
• In five years time I am planning to be …………
• How would having a child now change these plans?
• How would adopting the child out change these plans?
• How would having an abortion change these plans?
• What interests and activities do I feel are important to me?
• If I was to parent would I have to give up any of my interests and activities?
• How would having a child affect my health and wellbeing?
• Would having a child change my educational plans?
• Do I have the energy to raise a child and further my education at the same time?
• Would having a child change my career plans?
• Do I have the energy to raise a child and continue to develop my career at the same time?
• Am I willing to give a great part of my life, at least 18 years, to being responsible for a child?
• Am I willing to spend a large portion of my life being concerned for my child’s well being?
  
  On a scale of 1 (for abortion) to 10 (for continuing), where would you say you are right now? Why?
  1-------------------------------------5--------------------------------------10
  Abortion                                                                          Continuing
  
  On a scale of 1 (for abortion) to 10 (for parenting), where would you say you are right now? Why?
  1-------------------------------------5--------------------------------------10
  Abortion                                                                           Parenting
  
  On a scale of 1 (for adoption) to 10 (for parenting), where would you say you are right now? Why?
  1-------------------------------------5--------------------------------------10
  Abortion                                                                           Parenting

Do I need more information on any of these options?

Sometimes not having enough practical information on all the options makes it difficult to decide.   You may like to explore our detailed pages on the three options, which include links to relevant organisations.  Alternatively, you can contact us to discuss any issues or concerns or information needs.  

If I was to sum up my feelings it would go like this……

Now that you have looked at your feelings, values and beliefs, goals and dreams AND gathered further information on the three options, sum up how you are feeling about each of these options.

If I was to sum up my feelings and thoughts it would go like this...

The idea of having an abortion makes me feel ………………………… 
because……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
and I'm thinking………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The idea of continuing the pregnancy and placing the baby for adoption makes me feel ………………………… 
because……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
and I'm thinking………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The idea of having a baby now and becoming a parent makes me feel ………………………… 
because……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
and I'm thinking………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Now that you have looked at how you feel and what your thoughts are about this pregnancy, let's look at the other people in your life.

Significant others in your life

Children

How will this affect my kids?

Often women are concerned about how another child will affect their children. This is sometimes a concern, especially when there is a gap in the ages of the children and when the mother does not want to parent another child.  When a pregnancy occurs shortly after the birth of a child, it can be an overwhelming experience for a woman.  Whilst some women may plan to have their children close together, other women may want to have a bigger space between their children, or may only ever have wanted one child.  The following questions may help you decide:

• Ideally when would I be ready to have another child?
• I only ever wanted one child.  Am I open to considering having more than one?
• What are my feelings around having more than 1 child? 2 children? 3 children? More than three children?
• What age gap do I prefer for my child or children?
• Can I cope with another child now?  How do I deal with sleep deprivation, physical tiredness and emotional upheaval?
• Do I have the energy to raise another child?
• Who would support me if I have another child now?
• How would having another child now affect my growth and development?
• Would having another child change my educational or career plans?
• Could I handle another child considering my current workload?
• How would my child/ren deal with another child?
• What would my child/ren gain if I had another child?

What about future Children?

Sometimes women are concerned about the risks associated with an abortion and if having an abortion will affect their ability to have children in the future. A review of the medical evidence shows that there is no increased risk of infertility from having an abortion in Australia, where abortion is performed safely and lawfully by a skilled doctor.  The Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists has stated that "abortion is safer than carrying a pregnancy to term and that complications are uncommon."  However, the surgical abortion procedure does carry some risks, such as infection and perforation of the uterus, and it is very important that you understand these fully if you do opt to have an abortion.

Partner

This section is for those women who want to include the man involved in the pregnancy in the decision-making process.  It is important to remember that the final decision rests with you, the pregnant woman.

• Does my partner want to have a child? Another child?
• Have we talked about our reasons for wanting/not wanting a child? Another child?
• Is our relationship a happy and strong one, which would give a child a good home?
• Could we share the work of looking after a child? Another child?
• How well do we know each other – especially in relation to our views on parenting?
• Could we share our love with a child or with more than one child without being jealous?
• How well do we currently communicate with each other and how may this be affected by having a child? Another child?
• If my partner does not want a child/another child does that change how I will decide?
• If my partner says he will leave me if I have an abortion does that affect my decision?
• If my partner says he will leave me if I continue with the pregnancy does that affect my decision?
• If my partner says he will leave me if I adopt the child out does that affect my decision? (be aware that the birth father is required to formally consent to an adoption in Queensland)

Family and Friends – Support

Often it is good to talk to someone close to you when making the decision which option is the best one for you. This person may be your partner, close friend, mother etc. If you are unsure of a partner’s, family member’s or friend’s view on abortion, adoption or parenting, you may like to find out how they feel about these issues before confiding in them.

The decision about whether to continue a pregnancy or not can become an issue of control in a relationship. This occurs particularly between daughters and their parent/s and women and their partners or ex-partners. It can also occur between friends or between women and the professionals they consult in making their decision, such as their doctor, counsellor or teacher.

In these circumstances, the decision about the pregnancy becomes a way for someone to exercise control over another. For example, an ex-partner may try to force a woman to continue a pregnancy as a way of keeping her attached to him and the relationship. Or a young woman who feels her parents are trying to force her into having an abortion may want to continue the pregnancy to prove to them that they cannot control her life. A teacher may refuse to keep the confidence of a young woman who is considering an abortion, taking control of the decision away from the young woman.

When a pregnancy decision becomes an issue of control, it is extremely destructive and does not lead to good decision-making. You will need to let the people around you know that this is your decision. Try not to let the pregnancy decision become a battleground, with one party winning and another losing with whichever pregnancy outcome is chosen.

Making a decision about whether to continue a pregnancy or not can be extremely stressful for all involved in that decision. The shock of an unplanned pregnancy or a pregnancy that has had medical complications can greatly add to this stress. This may be placing an enormous strain on you an those around you and making it difficult for everybody to act as understanding, considerate and supportive friends to one another.

Remember, seek out people who will be supportive and understanding of you, without pressuring you to make one decision or another.

Can I make a decision now?

Now that you have considered and explored your choices and feelings, values and beliefs, expectations and previous experiences regarding all of the options, and obtained more information, you may be ready to make a decision which is right for you.

Throughout your decision making process know that many women have decided for and against abortion, adoption and parenting. An abortion, adoption or parenting decision does not put you in a world of simple good and bad. However you reach your decision, whatever choice you make may leave you with some qualms and uncertainty. Therefore, although you may believe you have made the right decision for you, it still may feel that it is not perfect decision. It is natural for you to continue to have some mixed feelings. What you will have to do in this case is ask yourself, “Can I live with this decision?” and maybe “What can I do to manage these feelings?”.

If you are as yet undecided, you may like to explore the information on our website or you may like to contact us to discuss the situation further.  Take your time, while remembering that it is important for your health to decide as soon as you can - to access pre-natal care if you are continuing or to access an earlier termination.

Remember, you have considered this decision and you have done your best. Despite the fact that others around you may be trying to make the decision for you, the decision is yours and you will make the best decision possible.