Anonymous

I was shocked & sad. It felt like the world was closing in on me. I remember going downstairs, sitting on the couch & just staring at the test for a solid 30 minutes before my fiancé came home from work. The line was so faint, he didn’t believe it. But I knew. I have PCOS & was in a few support Facebook groups, where 90% of the posts are from people TTC. A lot of the tips people share to help their body regulate their cycle to conceive I had used for the past year to just regulate my body to be healthy. Every day people post test photos in that group with the faintest of lines. I knew it was positive. But we went out to go buy a digital test so my fiancé could have more solid evidence. I wish I had seen more stories like mine when I was deciding. No one ever thinks they’ll go through abortion, a lot of stories you see are from people in their early 20’s. Not someone by society means could potentially welcome a baby to a more stable life than a uni student. Not someone who society would find more “acceptable” to keep an unplanned pregnancy. I was 26, engaged to the love of my life who I’ve been with for 6 years. We were 2 years into our mortgage and both have stable jobs. We didn’t feel ready though. Financially although we were in a good place then & there, can buy whatever groceries we like & also not in mortgage stress. If I were to go on maternity leave, even after receiving all the government benefits. All our income would go to bills. It felt incredibly risky to live a life with a child where if I went to go get a coffee while at a mothers group catch up, it might put us out for next weeks groceries… I’m a pretty savvy budget person but it just didn’t feel safe or smart to welcome a child into that environment because they deserve better. For a few weeks I went back and forth and what to do. I’d had to leave work early or call in sick because I was riddled with panic attacks. A few times my fiancé had to leave work early to come home and calm me down too. I didn’t want to have a baby right now. Although it’s my dream and goal in life, I just didn’t feel like the right time for me. It was hard to make the choice when society is plagued with sayings like “you’ll make things work out, you have to” & “baby’s are a blessing, they come to you when you least expect” but babies aren’t a blessing, they’re a responsibility. Sure maybe a blessing to someone struggling with infertility. But still first and for most a responsibility. Even if you seem like an adult who has their life “together” you still have to be ready to commit to that responsibility. Eventually I came to a decision. I had my dating scan on a Friday at 6 weeks 2 days. I was worried how I would go if I were to see the heart beat. It was still too early to see but the moment I saw the little sac on the screen, I knew this wasn’t my time to go through with this. I felt deep in my core that my future children deserve more than just us “making it work” they deserve to be welcomed with joy & stability. I deserve to feel joyful & stable with the idea. I booked a Telehealth appointment with my GP the following Monday. I got the script for the pills and started the procedure that night. I took the week off work & just took it easy. Unfortunately my body didn’t expel all the uterine lining, so 6 weeks later I had to have a D&C. I have to say, my GP’s and the surgical team were all amazing. They were the most pleasant part of this whole procedure. They didn’t make me feel like I was doing anything wrong or didn’t make me feel judged. My psychologist has been nothing short of amazing too. She’s been supportive from when I told her the news, while trying to make a decision & after the procedures were done. It’s still my dream to become a mum one day. This whole experience has made us more focussed on our mental & physical health. We have put some financial goals into place as well to make us feel more safe when I eventually go on maternity leave. The abortion gave me freedom to work on a timeline to become a mother on my terms. To feel safe & stable in this world to welcome new life. Even if I seem to have things altogether on the outside, it’s okay for me to still want some more time.