Sick of calling people out on problematic opinions and behaviours? Loretta J. Ross encourages you to trying “calling in” instead, and here’s why.
People make mistakes. It might be due to ignorance or misunderstanding. Their words or actions might cause you offence or harm. As a result, it can be easy to default to shutting down and shutting them out. But this strategy doesn’t improve relationships or share knowledge within our communities.
As pro-choice people, we spend a lot of time calling people out on their views on abortion. It can be exhausting and upsetting. How do we heal relationships with people with conflicting opinions? How do we coexist with others in our community whose values are so fundamentally different to our own?
Loretta J Ross’ “calling in” framework (building upon the term originally coined by Ngoc Loan Tran) offers an alternate way forward. One that values diversity of experience and identity.
Exploring how we react in moments of conflict
Loretta identifies 5 typical ways we respond in difficult moments where another person’s words or actions have upset or offended us.
- Calling out: this might sound like “I can’t believe you just said that to me!”. It’s a public demand for someone to change their behaviour or speech, in order to hold them accountable.
- Cancelling: this might sound like “Let me speak to your manager”. It involves punishing people with things like job loss and ensuring they know there are consequences to their actions.
- Calling in: this might sound like “I’m not sure what you meant by that. Can you say more?”. It revolves around approaching difficult dialogues with respect and inquisitiveness.
- Calling on: this might sound like “I beg your pardon? Are you ok?”. It involves requesting people do better without investing in their growth.
- Calling it off: this might sound like “I can’t do this right now”. It’s when you disengage from a difficult conversation.
So often we find ourselves calling others out or, in situations when we just don’t have the energy to hold the conversation anymore, calling it off. Sometimes we need to call it off for our own welfare. But what if we tried to focus more on calling in rather than calling out when we have the chance to do so?
What are the benefits of “calling in”?
Loretta describes calling in as a call out done with radical love. It’s an approach we might choose to take with family members, close friends or respected community members who disagree with our views on abortion.
Calling in can help us to:
- hold people accountable while remaining respectful
- approach situations with compassion
- invest in each others’ growth
- create opportunities for self-reflection and changes in behaviour
- look at the bigger picture
- encourage curiosity and generosity
- actively listen.
How to start “calling in”
The first step to call someone in is to assess your own emotional state. In situations of conflict, our emotions are heightened; you might be feeling attacked, upset, annoyed or angry. It’s important to acknowledge this and implement strategies to regulate before approaching someone with the intention of calling in. Remember that calling in should come from a place of respect, compassion and curiosity.
The second step is to consider your relationship with the other person. Reflect on how you would like it to change or remain the same. Think about what they value, how they communicate and if there are any power dynamics that need to be addressed.
The third step is to understand what you want the outcome of the conversation to be. Are you happy to agree to disagree? Would you like to better understand their views in the hopes that the conversation may get to a place where they also understand yours? Do you hope to set new boundaries or arrive at a mutual respect? Identifying a purpose for the conversation can help you reach a conclusion.
Conversation starters for calling in during moments of conflict
Instead of calling out or calling it off when someone in your life apposes your views on abortion or reproductive rights, you might like to try instigating a respectful conversation with the following phrases:
- “Would you feel comfortable explaining to me why you feel what I’m saying is wrong?
- “I’d like to understand why the conversation became tense just now. Can we talk about it?”
- “What you said felt a bit disrespectful of my views. Would you be open to discussing this further so we may better understand one another?”
- “I think we’re missing some information here. Perhaps examining the topic in more detail together would help both of us learn more.”
Remember that calling in is a two-way street. Someone in your life may call you out (or on) in situations of conflict as well. It’s important to approach these moments with respect and compassion. They’ve taken the time to do this rather than calling it off because they care about your relationship and the topic at hand. Finding the energy to meet them in this conversation shows that you’re invested in the relationship. Try to ensure they feel heard, even if you disagree. Offering your attention and considering others’ views in moments of conflict can go a long in healing and maintaining relationships.
Approaching conflict with kindness and curiosity isn’t easy, and it isn’t always doable. But coexisting with others whose political, religious and social views differ to our own is inevitable. So why not try an approach where we’re still holding people accountable, but doing so with grace?
Loretta J Ross is an activist and feminist. Her book, Calling In, was published in 2025 and aims to help people transform conflicts into connections, strengthening communities through mutual respect and compassion. Find out more about Loretta and her work.
